New Beginning

We don't really keep in contact much anymore so I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this. That's ok though. These words, along with my newest endeavor are more for my own catharsis and pleasure than anything else.

Finishing up a conference this past weekend on Catalina island I had an epiphany that i've experience maybe 5 times now since the onset of graduate school: I really missed running. After two days and nights of continuous binging on science, alcohol, kayaking and the such, I awoke on Sunday morning with a slight hangover as everything from the weekend had finally taken its toll on me. The three and a half hours I'd devoted to sleep the previous night weren't enough to redeem all my intoxication from the previous night. Shortly after breakfast at 7:30 I decided it was time to do something alone and for myself. Looking to the west, I saw a tall Hill that looms over the Wrigley Institute where the conference had been held: My goal was to ascend to the top. It was nothing difficult, just something I wanted to do alone in order to get a good view of my surroundings and afford some time for personal reflection.

I had been mildly stressed from my presentation the previous night when I had been unable to provide what were in my opinion satisfactory answers or responses to the only two questions asked (both of which regarded a cyclic voltammogram and the conclusions I had drawn from them). The ascent was steep with no well-defined path, however, within an hour I'd careened to the top . I continued to walk along a road that I found up there until I turned around and decided to walk the few miles back to two harbors and ultimately back to the institute (returning on the same path seemed as though it may have been overly treacherous as the beaten grass on the hill side was slick and slippery).

I thought about a lot. Primarily how I can improve my science and my career and how I feel disappointed in myself for wasting a lot of my intelligence. And later I moved onto thinking about how there is no satisfaction in the things I produce. That is not say that I don't enjoy the things I do with my wife or friends, but that running, and my scientific research provide me no positive feedback. Fortunately it doesn't take me long to conclude that I am ultimately the only one responsible for what I do in life. So the logical action is to change. Further if I want change, I must make it happen. I cannot wait around for others to tell me to change or expect it to happen without some instigating action. I will refrain from telling you how I intend to improve my research and my efforts there and focus the remainder on my thoughts of running.

I miss running. I miss the team. I miss the competition we used to have, the practices and everything else that went along with it. I feel that there were several times in my life when people have told me that the activity I was participating in at that moment in time would leave me with a bond to those people that I would recognize, remember, and honor the rest of my life: boy scouts, wrestling, high school, college. But in comparison to my memories from running at caltech for four years, those nearly fall out of sight and mind. Remembering how Mark and I would consume 5+ tommy's burgers (because it was sportsman-like before racing back to campus). Every time we got up at 5:30 (in the A.M.) to take the van to Chino for a race. Running loops in the arroyo. Running beer miles. Lifting weights. Stretching. All the camaraderie has really built up on me and when I think about it is something I will never have back.

I probably can never get it back.

I want to run again. This is something I've said many times over the past three years. I've meant it every time and had varying degrees of success. I suppose that at this point I must begin by determining what I expect to get out of running and how best to achieve my goals. Primarily, I want fitness. Married life has began to take a toll on my body which only gets a few miles of commute biking as exercise daily. Secondly, I want a challenge. I want to do something where I can measure my improvement and feel as though I'm working towards something. These are the two and only two things I expect to be able to aim for and achieve in running. This is slightly off target from my yearning for the experiences of collegiate running. Fitness will come naturally if i maintain a reasonable honest effort of progress towards my goal. Where I have failed in the past is being able to maintain the necessary effort for more than a few (or at best several) months. Last time I went through this biannual ritual of recommitment I decided early on that the reason for ultimate failure in the past was due to a lack of purpose and that I needed to focus my training towards some goal. I needed to run a race. Sadly, this never happened. I never signed up for any and within a little more than a month I was off the wagon again.

This time I will not make the same mistake as last time. I will sign up for a race. I will continually sign up for races. I will improve and measure my success in foot steps, seconds, and endorphins (that is still one of my favorite shirts). Most importantly, I will enjoy.